Pony Party

Sometimes occurrences are not right or wrong, or black or white, but more like green and blue. To each her own for sure.  But that doesn’t mean that one can’t lament about the choices people make sometimes. In this case, the subject is a kid’s party.

My daughter was invited to this birthday party. A social butterfly, she just loves parties and was particularly looking forward to this one. The birthday girl was one of her “best” friends (although, depending on the day, she has more or fewer “best” friends). And, and, there was going to be a pony at the party. Actually a pony was just part of the deal—it was, in fact, a small petting zoo. So you can see why it would be one of the hottest party invitations in town.

So what’s there to lament about? Well, the timing of the party was 1 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon. A convenient time perhaps for work-inside-the-home moms, but for work-outside-of-the-home moms, taking a few hours out of the heart of a workday isn’t convenient nor even always doable. (Since the kids were young there wasn’t a drop-off and pick-up option.)

Was this break from the usual weekend kids’ party circuit simply based on animal availability or some other constraint? Or was it something else? Actually, aside from the issues for working-outside-the-home moms (and to be fair, dads) it’s probably not a bad idea to have mid-week parties. There’s less contention with other weekend activities; they require shorter lead times than a weekend party at, say, Chuck E. Cheese’s; and perhaps these gatherings are even a bit more relaxed since the parents don’t need to be running off as part of the weekend rush ritual.

When the guilt gods are looming, though, it feels a bit sinister. Sort of like a dare: On top of all you do, now work this is in, too. Before you freak out, I know it’s not a rational, logical or even reasonable thought. But just as my daughter who says “my bones made me do it” when she gets caught doing something she shouldn’t—I'll place blame squarely on the guilt gods—they make me think it.

These gods make me self-judge sometimes that work-outside-the-home moms are being judged for making different choices than work-inside-the-home moms.  That there’s not mutual respect and support for the choices we individually make and collectively observe.

I know better, I really do. But once in a while, I momentarily fall off the reservation.  Do you, too?

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

Comments

[Emel in Miami]

I agree with the anonymous commentator friend about the "guilt" being from within. I have been on both sides of the fence. I quit my high powered hotel sales and marketing job to take care of my two babies and become a work-at-home mom for six years. I still felt guilty comparing myself to those Domestic Goddesses who had personalized Valentine's Cards and gifts for every child in the classroom. I don't recall judging working outside mothers or scheduling my kids parties' at the middle of the week so they would feel guilty for not being there. I was too busy trying to fight my own guilt monsters. Being an "ex- one of them" I have to defend tough, sometimes weekends and nights are the only times you can be by yourself for couple of hours, just with yourself and that of course doesn't last long because right away you start feeling guilty for enjoying being without kids. Now that I am back at work in a totally new field (It is by itself an incredibly apparent indication of my employer's belief in women) even though I am away from my kids for long hours, I don't let the guilt monster cripping on me. If I can not take them to a petting zoo party during the week, I take them to Lion Country Safari on the weekend. Like one other commentator added probably my kids will not remember that we missed the birthday, but they will remember their mother being happier and more fulfilled at the precious times we spend together. I believe the question is not which choice is better, but it is which one is making you feel better so you can be a happier mother...Let's stop giving in to the monsters and support, appreciate and congratulate each other for the incredibly challenging and rewarding journey of being a working mother inside or outside of the home..

[Nicole in Stamford]

The guilt gods drove me to spend a small fortune at Build-a-Bear this weekend. I'm convinced that every other woman there was a guilt-ridden working mom. Who else would go there on the WEEKEND? Guilt is an unavoidable part of motherhood. Some days we do better than others keeping them it in check!

[Maria in Boston]

Yes, I've also fallen 'off the reservation' at times, but have to remind myself that 'they' have no idea what my life is like, otherwise why on earth would they schedule that meeting/party/event then? (ha! ) This year I did something completely different and held my daughter's 9th party on her ACTUAL birth-day! (novel idea, huh?). Trouble was - it fell right smack in the middle of school vacation week, and my teenage son had plans to be somewhere else that day. Oh, the guilt gods had loads of fun at my expense with this one! I traded with another mom - my son went to her house to hang with her older boys (same age), and I took her youngest to our party (same age). I offered to take along any child that didn't have transportation (mind you, we invited 24 kids, but I was prepared). As it turned out only two couldn't make it, a few needed a ride from us, and the rest carpooled. As a mother of two who now telecommutes, I've experienced both sides of the coin, and have spent lots of time with the guilt gods and trying to be in two places at once! Whether you work/don't work, work inside/outside - we all struggle. Don't feel like you have to 'work this in too' - ask for help! If you can't bring your daughter to ride the ponies at 1:00 PM on Thursday afternoon, maybe someone else can!

[Gabrielle in Minneapolis]

All I can say is thanks to some honesty and my employer's flexability, my guilt gods are few and far between. I have several at home friends who have more than taken care of mid day events. My goal has been to raise boys that want to be married to someone who has interests outside the home. With my employer and FWA, I have found the right combo. My kids miss nothing important (per their lives) and I am happy. So true, so true, if mom takes care of herself and her happiness it trickles down to the rest of the family!

[Marge in Morristown]

I don't think you ever get rid of the guilt - you just handle it better as you get older. I have been working for 35 years and my son is a junior in high school. When he started high school I decided that when he's off, I'm off or when he has someting at school - I go to school. Now the guilt is about work... not him. But that's a bit easier. Work will be there when you back back. These kids grow so fast. I do not want to miss one more moment before he goes to college. I think we all do the best we can and we need to give ourselves a break...

[Cheryle in San Jose]

Guilt Be Gone, for sure! All I can say is my hat is off to all of those that I have read comments from. Being a full-time mother and having a full time career is not an easy task. It seems that you have all found balance and are doing a great job. I did not have the courage to have children and a career. My question is, what is with the stay-home-parents who have these events at these unusual times? It is not that unusual for parents to be working outside the home. If you are going to host an event during a normal work week/time, then it would seem to me that you might offer some transportation/chaperone support to include all invitees. Even as a stay home parent, I will not make all events all the time. Keep up the good work, you are an example of all that one can be.

[Jennifer in Columbus]

Interesting thing about the guilt gods--they impact all of us regardless of our choices or life circumstances (when it's not about choice, but just what we have to do). I have the unique perspective of having a sister who is a full-time stay at home mom and another sister who is a part-time work mom. And I am a full-time work mom. Funny thing about getting to see first-hand each situation--all three of us feel guilty. Sometimes we feel like we're not good enough moms; sometimes we feel like one or both of the other sisters has an easier life. I'm convinced when we are handed our child for the first time, a guilt gene just kicks in! Thanks, Cathy, for reminding us that everyone falls off the reservation once in a while--the important thing is getting back on the reservation.

[Anonymous in New York]

I fell off the reservation myself this week - for a similar reason... instead of some other kid's birthday, it was my own! She turned four on Wednesday. With the birth of my second daughter just 4 months ago, I promised myself that I would start taking their birthdays off each year - special one-on-one time that could be planned well in advance. I didn't plan on my husband (who is currently an at-home dad) having an interview the following week on the other side of the country - so I had to shift that PTO day for her birthday to now spend home, while daddy interviewed. Needless to say, Miss 4 year old was not happy to have Mommy going to work on her birthday - and she let me know it. But when I got home that night - after her special birthday dinner, presents and a cupcake a mile high...she was no worse for the wear. So - the point is that the guilt will always be there...but the source isn't always your child; more the guilt monster within! And it's time to be tamed...

[Bethanne in Wilton]

I too have succumb to the guilt gods. I had a career in event planning which I thought satisfied all of my career dreams. Traveling throughout the country, staying in 4 and 5 star hotels and resorts and networking with the notorious. I thought I was all that and the bag of chips until I missed the pageant. I told myself it was only one pageant and they are so young there wouldn't be any long term affects. With each missed event, I came up with a new and more creative excuse. I am not sure exactly who I was trying to convince, but eventually I came to despise my career and envy the stay-at-home moms. Since the grass looked so much greener on their side of the fence, I decided to hop on over and try it out for myself. Needless to say, here I am the career mom again but with a fresh perspective. I work to fulfill myself, and I represent myself as a role model to my children. It is no longer their happiness creates my happiness, but rather my happiness is a priority and has a profound trickle down effect. A great self test may be "will your child remember this event 5 years from now?" If so, make sure they are a part of it - if not, guilt be gone!

[Michelle in Hermitage]

I do, too. My neighbor down the street is a stay-at-home mom. Her little girl is the same age as mine, and she had a birthday party a few weeks ago, on a Friday at 4:00 p.m. I had a similar moment where I thought, "Huh. Why would she schedule it during the work day?" I telecommute full-time and I don't think she understands why I send my two children (ages 4 and 7 months) to daycare outside the home. She came by one day during her morning walk and while she was here asked me where the children were - I explained that I work full-time, and that I would not be able to take care of the children and work at the same time. I'm sure I was imagining it (and projecting those guilt-god-induced self-judgments), but I could have sworn I saw disapproval on her face. The silly thing is that I am very happy with my situation - I am so lucky to work for an organization that values its employees and allows for flexible work arrangements, and since I don't commute every day, I get to spend more time with my kids than I did before. Full-time daycare allows me to concentrate fully on work when I'm working, and I can switch it off and be fully present for my kids when they come home. So guilt gods, be gone! I am doing my best, and I don't have to be perfect...I can teach my daughter by example that she doesn't have to choose between being a mom and having a career - she can do both!