The Mistake of the Mistake

I wasn’t gonna do it. I wasn’t going to hop into the fray of the tussle over the key messages in the recently published book, The Feminine Mistake. I guess it’s not a surprise to me that it’s being discarded out-of-hand (and left on the book shelves) by so many folks, particularly women folks. It includes some tough messages for sure. The kind of messages that strike raw, emotional cords.

Let’s face it, tackling the topic of abandoning economic independence for the mommy track by putting cold, hard, sometimes ugly facts on the table will do that. But that’s not the mistake. Nope. I don’t fault that; in fact, a commendation is in order. It’s a service to all of us.

The mistake with the Mistake is that it mistakenly labels the choice of being a work-in-the-home mom as, well, a mistake. The author, a talented and articulate woman, would have better served herself and many others by putting forth her extensive research—financial, sociological, psychological, legal and the like—and letting it ably hang out for all to see, to interpret, and to internalize—or not.

Extrapolating this plethora of facts into an impassioned pronouncement that women shouldn’t drop out of the workforce to raise families takes it too far—which is a shame. This topic of career and family is all about making choices. It was, still is, and I’ll bet a paycheck, will be tomorrow as well. The value of the author’s research is the information provided that allows each of us to make better-informed choices. The more informed the choice; the more grounded the decision.

This information well-serves by chipping away at our naivety, but extending the license of this same information to a proclamation of sorts, in essence shaking that choice away from any of us just doesn’t sit right. A bigger mistake, though, may be the mistake of being so turned off by the mistake that time isn’t invested to gleen the facts—for our own knowledge and edification.

Or am I mistaken here?  What do you think?

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

Comments

[Anonymous]

Ultimately I feel the decision to work inside or outside the home is one that every woman struggles with based upon her very nature - to be concerned with doing the best for others, primarily her family. In my heart of hearts, I am amazed at my friends who have the patience of Job with their children, the energy to take 5 kids to the grocery store for two hours all before noon, chase them around the yard all afternoon and tuck them in bed each night. Their skills are valuable. But, so are mine, and the choices I've made. They hate tax returns, I like them. Accounting - beyond their checkbook they want nothing to do with it. Different skill set and different decisions - BOTH valuable. Why must so many comments about this book or the eternal debate of working vs. staying at home take a moral high ground pronouncing one set of skills or choices to be better than the other? I fully intend to take your idea, Cathy, and read the book and get what I can out of it - to help me decide what is right for me and my family, now or down the road. Similar to the male/female issues you've brought up in the blog, this issue is relevant for discussion in order to advance the theory that we all have contributions to be made and being valued for them rather than judged on the cover. Thank you for tackling this "tussle".

[Julie in Minneapolis]

Ironically, my first thought upon comprehending the direction of your blog..."what an unfortunate name for the book!" Which, in effect you went on to say. I don't believe you are at all mistaken.

[Anonymous]

While I haven't read the entire book I concluded from the out-takes and reviews that very likely the author was/is in fact a frustrated husband. there are a few of us out here who have unwavering support for our spouses who left a professional track to fulfill their calling to full time mom and then struggled to understand our spouses lack of complete satisfaction with their choice. We heard loud and clear while they worked away in the professional world that they felt guilt/remorse/emptiness etc. for not being a mom 24X7. Now we hear the supreme frustration with not having "big jobs", not being the one who everyone turns to in a room full of suits, etc. etc. When our spouses were in the work force at least a paycheck came along with the frustration.... we weren't equipped then to deal with the pain of working and we aren't equipped now to deal with the pain of not working. Hence my conclusion the author has a female pen name...........as many men could conclude "why go through a dramatic change for a net sum zero outcome" it was the pain we knew exchanged for the pain we didn't know.

[Kristin in Chicago]

I agree with a lot of what you have to say. I have always maintained that feminism is about choice. We have the choice to get married, but we are no longer pressured by society to do so - or at least, not nearly as much and not nearly at such a young age. We have options when we have children. It provides our partners with options as well; I know my husband would love to stay home with our kids when the time comes. But in that it is a personal choice to work inside or outside of the home, there has to be a certain recognition that your decision may not always be the one that works for everyone. It's great that the author has found fulfillment through working - but everyone is different. As someone facing this decision in the next few years, I would like to review the facts and figures that go into that decision. But in this book, the author makes the decision for me before I've even opened it. For her to say working at home is a mistake discounts a lot of people and the work they do just because they are different than she is. And that is a mistake.