Precious Moments

Last week during my trip to New York, I was able to mix some pleasure with business by having dinner with my daughter, Allison, who just moved to NY last November. It was heartwarming to see our relationship today and the person she has become. Even though she is 25, in many ways it’s hard to let go and I finally understand what my own mother said to me many years ago – you never stop being a mom.

When Allison was younger, I spent a lot of time worrying about what moments I was missing, not to mention the guilt that I felt not being able to be there all of the time. When she was three years old, she asked Ted if I lived at the airport. That was a wake-up call for me — at that moment, I realized that I didn’t want to miss her childhood and look back someday with regret. I ended up changing jobs, but things didn’t really change until I made a decision to slow things down.

Today, I see a young confident woman and not the shy little girl who often cried at the thought of going to ballet class. With both of us working full-time, I struggled with trying to be a good mother and having a career. Long before we had mass career customization, I slowed down my pace and my role. It was more important to me not to miss those precious moments than getting the next promotion. Looking back today, I am happy that I made the choices that I did.

We’re empty-nesters now, but thanks to BlackBerries, email and cell phones, Allison and I communicate more today than when she lived at home. It’s the everyday things that bring us all together — like calling Ted (not me) for a favorite recipe or sending me a quick instant message when we’re both online. What I have learned is that every moment is precious — it doesn’t always have to be the big things. She lives 3,000 miles away now, but she is following her dream and building her own life in New York, and we couldn’t be prouder of her.

At dinner last week, Allison told me what I had always hoped to hear — that I have been a good mom and now, a friend...which is something I truly cherish.

Barbara

“In my daughter’s eyes, I see who I want to be.” Martina McBride

By blogger Barbara Adachi, Deloitte LLP

Comments

[Manasi in Hyderabad]

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful piece. My daughter just turned six months old today and I joined office when she was three months. I was on a flex work arrangement for sometime. I am so glad to be a part of this organization where women can choose to manage their professional and personal priorities at home, giving importance to both of them depending on their various phases of life and not missing on those precious moments. This article was so encouraging for me to continue to believe what I was doing was right.

[Judy in Pittsburgh]

13 years ago, my daughter, then 3 years old said to me, "Mommy, I hate you when you work." I had just taken a new job, stock options, an expected promotion to VP Tax and a great opportunity. It stopped me in my tracks. I had always thought of myself as a full time, no holds barred professional working woman, with career as my primary focus. That small child, in her own dramatic way, gave me a wake up call. She said to me, mom, you have choices to make and you must consider all the options and all the aspects of those choices. I have been on a flexible work arrangement ever since, first in industry and then here. When my 10-year-old son tells me that he loves me, and I respond "I love you more", and he says "I love you more than you will ever say, think or do," I know the choices are not easy but are very clear.

[Lourdes in New York]

Thank you so much for sharing this moment. My daughter is just six months old and I am already struggling with the desire to be with her more often and the pull of my career. I have already decided to slow down, and thankfully our organization allows for this decision. My life's favorite moments are when I see her smile as she recognizes me and trusts me to hold her as she discovers the world around her. I, too, want to feel that I was partially responsible for giving her the confidence to follow her dreams and then the trust to share them with me.

[Heather in San Jose]

After spending the past week at my last living grandparent's funeral, I too had some time reflect on how I'm spending my time. With two little ones, 4 and 2, I often find myself in the guilt mode wondering what cute little saying or dance is being missed. I know that I am a more fulfilled and happy person by keeping my career and the challenge to myself is to not take on more than my schedule (including my family time) allows. I'm focused on that more than ever today...

[Eileen in Sydney]

It is enlightening and pleasing to hear successful women talk about the priorities of motherhood. I am not yet a mother and have always feared that on becoming a mother, I would be pigeon-holed into either the "doting mother" or the "guilty absent mother" categories - two mutually exclusive lifestyles.

Hearing about and knowing that there are different possibilities reminds me of how fantastic it is to live in this era of womanhood.

[Alison in Milan]

One comment to whoever is moderating these blogs. As a young professional I found the tone of this blog entry to be a bit phony. One prerequisite in order for company blogs to be effective is that they must seem to be impartial and not reflect company marketing.

This blog post was obviously edited by someone in-firm and promotes the fact that this hardworking mother can still be successful at your organization.

It would have been more authentic if she had talked about the real struggles of balancing work and home life. It just seemed like a Cinderella happy ending type of story to me.

Also, only really connecting with your daughter at 25? This type of entry does not hold any appeal to me as someone who is thinking of . If all I would get with my family is some 'quality' Blackberry or online time, then why would I choose to work for this company?

If you want to attract young, vibrant female talent - the kind that lives in the real world, then I would seriously re-think your strategy towards having employee blogs.

[Sarah in Hermitage]

Well I am a 25 year old professional, and it is sort of a role reversal but with the same issues. I too live many thousands of miles away from most of my family and I too struggle with finding the time to make those connections. Without IM and texting, and special ATT international rates for calling other countries I would be unable to maintain any sort of relationships. For me the problem is maintaining and growing a strong career, but trying not to let those all important relationships suffer in the meantime. I know this may not be the most common of problems but believe me I know i am not the only one in this boat. In my case it is not children that I have not enough time with (because I have not had any yet), but parents and siblings that for practical reasons I can only see in person 1 time a year (I was raised as a trans continental kid). I continue to to try to plan a career with this in mind and attempt to maintain a balance but up till recently did not see any way to do this without sacrificing or jeopardizing either career or family. Working for our organization with its open attitude to FWA's and in its very global nature has really eased my mind however. I had not considered it feasible that through my career i could stay and grow with one company across those borders, but here it could actually be possible. I always believed that I would have to resign job after job and go through the dreaded job search each time In one or another of my 'home' countries if I ever chose to relocate for family reasons. The flexible attitude here however, and simply knowing that our organization could make these things possible allows me to relax and really want to give more to the organization. For the record I was born in one country, raised in another when we emigrated and now live in the US after marrying a US citizen last year. So I guess I would definitely call that nontraditional also.

[Allison in New York]

“Your mom is Barbara Adachi? She is amazing. You know everyone wants to be her.” One of my friends who is a young analyst said this to me when he found out that my mom was his boss. I have had the privilege of growing up around strong, opinionated women in my family – my mother being at the forefront of this example. On many occasions people who know my mom in the workplace have gushed about her success in the business world. While I am aware of her career accomplishments, to me she is my mother, the figure I’ve look to for comfort and unconditional love my whole life.

When it comes to my own career my mom has been a constant source of encouragement. I remember when I got my first job as a production assistant. Despite my excitement it must have been difficult as a parent to hear about the low pay, long hours and absence of benefits the job had to offer. Instead of discouraging me from the cutthroat industry I was about to dive into her words have remained supportive through it all – “Follow your dreams.” It is important for a child to know that their parents are proud of the work they do. We are our harshest critics through the eyes of our parents. Fortunately, the relationship I share with both my mom and dad is one of mutual respect where the decisions I’ve faced in my adult life have been left up to my responsibility.

The story about me asking my dad if my mom lived at the airport is pretty funny. Looking back I can’t remember my mom not being there for me or missing a special occasion. She has pulled off the balance between career and motherhood quite seamlessly. To me this is her greatest achievement and what I aspire to. Like all moms there are times when she cannot help but add in her two cents however she is my most loyal friend. In the end I know she is on my side. Our bond is one for the books.