Balancing Act

A few months ago, when I was planning a lengthy business trip and rushing around the house trying to get everything done like a maniac, my husband Ted said something that has stuck in my mind…"don’t forget about us."

After thirty years of working, I am still trying to do it all. I am often asked how I get it all done, and I just smile because I know that I will never get it all done! I still struggle with finding that balance every day. I know it’s about setting priorities, but there are days when no matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t come together. Maybe it’s the eternal optimist in me, but I haven’t given up on trying to do it all.

This past week, we had a special treat – Ted and I went to New York to surprise Allison for her birthday. She was absolutely thrilled and it was great to be together as a family. Earlier in the day, when Ted and I were having lunch by ourselves, I pulled out my Blackberry to check a few messages. I could see the disappointment in Ted’s face and realized that I was taking time away from “us.” In my heart, I know that my family is my number one priority, but sometimes I take them for granted.

And so, when I saw Ted’s expression, it was a great reminder to stop checking messages for a minute, enjoy the moment and to remember “us.” When we are together, it is our time and it should be cherished (and treated like those urgent messages I am always checking on). My inbox may always be full, but my life is full too. Even when things go awry, my family is my rock and at the end of the day, I am still wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend to those who are dearest to me.

Barbara

By blogger Barbara Adachi, Deloitte LLP

Comments

[Anne Perschel]

Guilt Relief for Working Moms
and Dad’s Who are Working Moms Too

In reponse to this blog and as a gift for mother's day, I pass along these words of wisdom from my son who was 15 years old at the time. May they may relieve some if not all of your guilt.

I returned to full time work when J. was 3 months old. By the time he was two I was a full time graduate student - left for school early Monday, stayed over, and did not return home until Tuesday night. I always brought J. a special treat from the bakery near school. I can picture him now, sitting in his high chair at the kitchen table, Dad by his side, excitement blazing in his eyes, smiling from ear to ear. “Did you bring me a treat?” Always.
For the following 6 years I ran a consulting business, attended classes and worked an internship. Psychology texts became bedtime stories, allowing me to study and us to spend time together. At the age of five he asked about my dissertation, “Mom, if you took all the pages and put them in the driveway would it be longer than the car?” Made me laugh. I had him copy all my papers from the computer’s hard drive to a CD when he was 7. He labeled it “Psycho Mom.” Made me laugh.
I felt guilty that I wasn’t' home more baking chocolate chip cookies together, arranging art projects, and taking trips to the park. Friends and co-workers assured me that my son, my husband and I had wonderful relationships and no one was suffering. It was the quality not the quantity that mattered. None of this relieved my guilt very much. But I was compelled. I loved my work, and I did not want to stop or slow down.
When Jordan was 15, I considered a change that would allow me to spend more time at home. The teenage years are so very important and kids that age vulnerable in so many ways. Jordan, my husband Bob and I talked about the change. Jordan was practically dumb-founded “Why would you ever want to do that? You love your work. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t work or did something you don’t love as much. You’d be unhappy, and that would make the rest of us unhappy. Things are good just the way they are.” That young man stopped me in my tracks. I had not valued one of the most important life lessons he was learning. Be who you are, your authentic self - and the rest will be okay. It may be hard, but it will be okay.
Jordan is 19 and a college freshman. When the year began people asked how he was adjusting. The word “adjusting” never occurred to me in relation to my son and college. He is an amazingly social person and very independent. He began doing his own laundry at 12. At 14 he cooked meals for himself and often for friends. He shopped for groceries before he could drive. He loves college - the independence, the freedom, the life.
Recently a friend whose son is also a college freshman discovered that he had not attended classes at all second semester. Instead he slept late, played video games and partied with friends at night. I asked Jordan what advice he might give my friend about her son. “Get him out of there,” he said. “That kid doesn’t know how good he has it, and they shouldn’t be wasting their hard earned money sending him to college right now.” My son - I am very proud of who he is and what he values even if he didn’t have as many fresh baked chocolate chip cookies in his day.
We all give our children many gifts. Enjoy the ones you are giving them. Some day they will let you now how they’ve received and grown from these lessons.

[Anne Perschel]

Here's another perspective on work life balance.

Work life balance is a myth for many people. Sixty percent of executives report working at least 50 hours per week. That doesn't include the additional time they spend thinking about work. Ten percent work more than 80 hours per week. This situation is even more intense for 92% of working women who go home after a full day of work and manage household and family responsibilities.

So how do we cope? The answer is flow. Flow is better than mere coping. It's about enjoying and finding meaning in what we are doing and doing what we enjoy and find meaningful. Flow refuels us.

The term was coined by Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi of the positive psychology movement. When in a flow state you are immersed in the task and fully focused. Some refer to this as "being in the zone." It may be when you are playing music, collaborating with your team to solve a tough problem, building a piece of furniture, or designing a building. Flow increases your reserves. It is like floating on an inner tube down a river. There is no resistance. You move effortlessly.

For flow to happen, the activity itself must be intrinsically meaningful to the person who is engaged in it. For me there is nothing more profound than being with someone who is undergoing personal growth, realizing their authentic self. It is as if I am watching a flower blooming in fast motion. It is a most beautiful sight. It energizes and uplifts me. Is every moment like this? No. I have to manage office expenses, schedule appointments,and empty the trash. But these less engaging tasks are in service of something more meaningful. They are the equivalent of inflating the inner tube to float down the river. In some aspects of our work we participate in more mundane rituals to prepare for the flow.

How Do You Know
What Makes You Flow?

If you've been there you know it. You are in a state of harmony. All the gears are engaged and synchronized. Work is effortless. A trial lawyer who loves to compete and win is in the flow when she is preparing her case. Her heart pumps faster. Ideas just pop. After working 12 hours she has plenty of energy to care for her two young sons. A landscaper is in the flow when she presses the dirt firmly around the flowers and the scent of damp earth fills her nostrils. When an architect is in the flow it seems that the building draws itself. People who like to solve puzzlies and arrive at the right answer may be in the flow when they balance their checkbook.

You can use certain tools to help you find your flow. Personality assessments, such as the Myers Briggs Type Indicator identify whether you refuel by engaging with others or by turning inward, by operating in the realm of emotions or the realm of logic. Ed Schein's Career Anchors tell you whether autonomy is more important to you that security, whether pure challenge wins out over working on behalf of a cause.

The goal is not to structure your life to be in the flow all the time, but to make sure you are there enough to refuel. Schedule your non-flow activities in ways that allow you to replenish. If you're an introvert attending an all day meeting, go for a walk by yourself at lunch. If details are difficult, have lunch with a friend after working on your taxes.

What makes you flow? Are you in a job that calls on your flow state? Do you feel like you are constantly depleting your energy at work?

Anne Perschel, Leadership Psychologist

President, Germane Consulting

[Lori]

Is there balance now that there is a tough economy? I feel like companies are less likely to create programs with flex schedules now that the market for talent is no longer a tight one.

[Ruchie in Hyderabad]

Barbara, the line ‘My inbox may always be full, but my life is full too’ in the complete blog had the punch it needed.

It feels so good to treat your life and your inbox as two different entities, rather than making your inbox and all those messages your life.

Yes, life is more than your profession if you love to live and trust me if we are able to give our inbox the time it needs we would be able to set in place rest all that needs our time!

Overall it was a good one.

[Lynda]

Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one feeling overwhelmed by everything I need and want to accomplish in a day, month, year. A part of the way I cope is to remember to talk to my "mommy" friends to keep me grounded. I have had to learn to put family first, with my husband and children, but it is the best thing I ever did in my life. They are my inspiration.
Thank you for sharing!

[Susan Bernard]

Thank you for blogging on such an important issue. Modern women are required to maintain their homes, family and themselves at higher standards than women in other decades. Lets face it ladies- we can not uphold the standards we like on just one income. We won't feel satisfied without the excitement of our business engine.

I work with a technology company and run a remote office and find that the secret to my success is having daily discipline. This is at the core of my day and it includes being flexible with my time as needed.

Its important for women to have a supernatural scene of time and balance. In doing so the discipline in our lives moves us forward. That includes being disciplined enough to disconnect from work.

[Anne]

Barbara – I loved this week’s blog – enough to stop checking my messages and do something else with the rest of my Saturday.

[Christine]

Today I accompanied my daughter to her first opportunity to vote for a U.S. President. What an historic moment for us both, and one that we will always remember. As a Junior at the University of Washington, she looked forward to being able to cast her vote along with her fellow students. However, she was registered in a the county in which I own my home, therefore she was told she needed to vote in that particular county. Knowing how important casting your vote meant, she called me and asked if I could drive the one hour to her campus, pick her up, and drive another hour back to my home county so she could cast her vote. Of course I did so, knowing this was an important opportunity to not only show her how much voting meant to me, but also to spend some quality time with my daughter, who I miss dearly while she is away at school. As we stood in 40 degree weather, bundled up in coats, winter boots, scarves and gloves, for two and a half hours, we discussed the candidates, the issues, and what this vote meant to the country. Regardless of which candidate won, we knew this was an historic moment, and spent the time talking, rather than reading emails or (in her case) text messages. I realized that this was one of those times when I was NOT thinking of what was on my PDA waiting for me to answer, but rather a moment when I looked in the eyes of my daughter, heard her very articulate reasons why she wanted to vote for the candidate of her choice, and what this meant to her. After she cast her vote, I drove her back to her campus, which gave us another hour to discuss her excitement for casting her vote, and a film she had recently seen on the women’s suffrage movement. As I drove back home late that evening, I reflected on the 6.5 hours I spent in one day just to make sure my daughter could take part in something so important, which just a few decades ago was not something she could have taken part in – what a remarkable afternoon and evening. This was time well spent not worrying what was on my PDA, but rather what was most important to me – seeing my daughter take another step toward becoming a remarkable woman.

[Laura]

Great post, Barbara. And a worthy reminder that family time and blackberry time do not mix. If only my PDA had certain usage restrictions on evenings and weekends!

[Anonymous]

This one hit home for me, but sad to say I didn’t listen the first time (or second or third) my husband tried telling me he was feeling a little neglected and taken for granted. For the most part I thought our marriage was perfect until I realized how much he was pulling away. We were able to work through it and now I make sure he comes first. I don’t check messages when I’m with him, I make sure I’m really listening to what he’s saying (even when it’s about sports) instead of thinking about my to-do list, and I try doing little things for him. Our relationship is so much stronger, but I really had to step back and put my priorities into action.

I almost think that in this day and age when more women are working and focused on their careers, more husbands are feeling neglected and they don’t know how to deal with it. For years women’s lives revolved around their husbands and so it’s pretty acceptable in society for a man to work a lot and put his career first. But this is a new thing for men to deal with and probably not something a lot of them are talking about just yet.

The truth of the matter is that my husband is the most important thing to me, and quite honestly, a job is a job. I want to be good at it, but I don’t want to let it get in the way of my family.

So good for you for listening and taking it seriously! Just remind yourself every day and make a renewed commitment to put your family first.

[Maureen Murray]

Barbara,

Your blog post captured the essence of life balance---knowing what is most important to you ("My family is my rock") and acting on it.

I've been teaching life balance for years, and know that without boundaries there can be no balance. You honored the boundary around family time when you turned the Blackberry off. Life becomes simpler and more satisfying when we do that.

Another key skill for balanced living is learning to say NO. Many women struggle with this, but when we master it, our stress level goes down, and balance level goes up.

Final thought: we shouldn't put off self-care until after the current "crisis" is over because the next "crisis" is just sround the corner. We'll deal with it better if we have taken care of ourselves.

We all know there's no such thing as perfect life balance. But we can all rise to a less stressful level of imbalance! Your blog post paves the way.

[Tracey Bannan]

Hi Barbara,
This month's blog really struck a chord with me. As another wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend I have had a similar turning point when my kids said something to me about work... I am constantly trying to balance all the different aspects of my life, including also making some time for the other important person, myself. I can't do everything but can my own personal best. In doing so, I often think of your comment - be 'in the present' as I dedicate my time to each of these roles.
Thanks for a great blog!