The Mistake of the Mistake

I wasn’t gonna do it. I wasn’t going to hop into the fray of the tussle over the key messages in the recently published book, The Feminine Mistake. I guess it’s not a surprise to me that it’s being discarded out-of-hand (and left on the book shelves) by so many folks, particularly women folks. It includes some tough messages for sure. The kind of messages that strike raw, emotional cords.

Let’s face it, tackling the topic of abandoning economic independence for the mommy track by putting cold, hard, sometimes ugly facts on the table will do that. But that’s not the mistake. Nope. I don’t fault that; in fact, a commendation is in order. It’s a service to all of us.

The mistake with the Mistake is that it mistakenly labels the choice of being a work-in-the-home mom as, well, a mistake. The author, a talented and articulate woman, would have better served herself and many others by putting forth her extensive research—financial, sociological, psychological, legal and the like—and letting it ably hang out for all to see, to interpret, and to internalize—or not.

Extrapolating this plethora of facts into an impassioned pronouncement that women shouldn’t drop out of the workforce to raise families takes it too far—which is a shame. This topic of career and family is all about making choices. It was, still is, and I’ll bet a paycheck, will be tomorrow as well. The value of the author’s research is the information provided that allows each of us to make better-informed choices. The more informed the choice; the more grounded the decision.

This information well-serves by chipping away at our naivety, but extending the license of this same information to a proclamation of sorts, in essence shaking that choice away from any of us just doesn’t sit right. A bigger mistake, though, may be the mistake of being so turned off by the mistake that time isn’t invested to gleen the facts—for our own knowledge and edification.

Or am I mistaken here?  What do you think?

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

Wind Beneath Our Wings

It’s pointed out from time-to-time that each of our individual and collective success has been built on the backs of those who’ve come before us. Here, here! Recognizing and celebrating the role of our forebearers in our accomplishments is fitting.

But there’s another group, in the present, that deserves a bucketful of tribute—admins (including all iterations and permutations of the term). This group of folks is the backbone of organizations everywhere. And although it’s not expressed near often enough, they are our most coveted resource.

They organize us; they allocate our most precious commodity—our time; they are our trusted advisers; they get us places—and then get us back; they center us; they carry around our decoder rings; they are faithful; when needed to be, they can be cunning and crafty; they are members of our family.

They also have a very good sense of humor. Just asking around as I’m writing this entry, I’ve heard some fun and telling stories. Like one where an admin volunteered to pet-sit for his boss while he was on a business trip. The pet died—of natural causes, of course, but he was terrified—and mortified that he'd be fired. He wasn't, but there’s now an ongoing joke about giving him more dog-like responsibilities.

Or the story about the admin who was given her boss’ credit card and asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to purchase an anniversary present for his wife—and that she could treat herself to whatever she wanted too. (Sometimes you just gotta wonder what people are thinking!)

Perhaps one of the more telling stories of just how central and important the role of an admin is is the one about a boss' wife who took her husband’s admin out to lunch and gave her a lovely spa basket in appreciation of all the things she did. The spouse said that her life was greatly enhanced because of all the admin’s efforts.

So let’s take the essence of this week—where flowers and balloons fill office desks everywhere and bosses have wider-than-usual smiles on their faces as they ask to have something faxed or a meeting scheduled—and live it out all year long.

Do you have any admin stories or accolades to share?  Any suggestions on how we can live this spirit of acknowledgement and high regard all the time?

Cathy

P.S.:  To Gina, borrowing a quote from Bette Midler who so powerfully belts out the words, “You are the wind beneath my wings.”

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

She's Got Game

Note from blogger Cathy Benko: Following is a ‘book-end’ entry from guest blogger, Donna Orender, President of the Women’s NBA (see March Madness for original entry). Who do you think’s “got game”? And when’s the last time you told them so?

She’s got confidence. She’s got determination. She’s got strength. She’s got courage. Isn’t that what any woman aspiring to the top of her game wants those around her to think about her? Yes, of course! But don’t we all also want and need to be able to say that about the women around them.

You see, role models are critically important. No one knows that better than the women of the WNBA. On May 19, we start our 11th season, and the stories of this year’s players are nothing short of inspiring. But these players are the first to say that they were inspired by women who came before them.

Take Lindsey Harding, this year’s No. 1 draft pick who can remember attending her first WNBA game and knowing from that moment that she wanted to play in this league. Or Noelle Quinn, another first-round draftee who can remember attending the very first WNBA game played between the New York Liberty and the Los Angeles Sparks. Or Brooke Smith, a second-round pick who claims she wants to be able to "have the same effect on young kids as earlier players have had on me."

As president of the league, I am proud to lead an organization that’s founded completely upon a belief in women and by those who believe in women. With each passing season, the athletic abilities of our players grows. But equally important is the growth of our players as role models both on the court and in the community. Because that is what ensures that other women will follow their own dreams, whatever those dreams may be.

By Donna Orender, President of the WNBA

Baggage

It’s spring break this week for the elementary school, so we’re on, well, spring break. Actually, we’re in the queue to be processed to go on spring break. You see we’re going on a cruise. I’m sure it will be loads of fun and am looking forward to getting ‘out of Dodge’ for a bit, but I have to say that I’m already carrying some baggage about this cruise experience.

To be fair, I’ve been holding this baggage for years, but the proverbial load does not seem to be lightening. It all began when my husband and I opened a joint checking account years ago. Strike that—when I opened a joint credit account filling out all the forms, answering all the questions, supplying the appropriate documentation, providing the initial capital to fund the account, setting up direct deposit with my employer, etc., and then getting my husband’s signature to also have access to the account.

Somewhere between my direct interchange with the teller and the blank checks we received in the mail, my husband, faceless and passive in this transaction, became the primary account holder and I relegated to secondary status. I didn’t really care one way or the other until a few years later when I had a question and needed to contact the bank. They, well, wouldn’t talk to me without my husband’s authorization. You see, he was the primary account holder and I, well, without his nod of approval, was dirt (though they did acknowledge and appreciate that my pay was being deposited into this clearly-less-than-joint account).

So here we are checking in for the cruise. I put this whole trip together—comparison-shopped, figured out the scheduling, made all the reservations, was mindful of required travel documents, transacted the payments (using my individual credit card), confirmed things, etc. Now I get to the counter, and well, they need to speak with my husband to check us in. You see, somewhere in this large travel enterprise it was determined that it is the husband who is the primary guest. In this particular case, ‘the husband’ actually knows little about the details of this trip other than we were leaving on X day, will visit A and B ports of call, and that he needed to bring along a suit for dinner (and I suspect that he’s not the only husband who would know few of the details for any given trip).

So I ask. In the grand scheme of life, does it really matter? No, not really. Ummm, well maybe. Actually, in some psyche-bruising way, yes. Just like the battery bunny, these antiquated attitudes and long-tired processing protocols seem to be living on and on and on and on….

Any thoughts on how to take the batteries out?

Bon Voyage,

Cathy

P.S.  No, I didn’t interrupt any spa appointment or shore excursion to write this entry.  I didn’t need to—there was enough fodder for it before we ever left the dock!

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

Lady Like

You may have noticed that this posting is a day or so late. Sorry about that, but this one was a mental struggle. The subject of this entry was a tough call—you be the judge of whether or not it was a good one.

It's no secret that women don't do a great job talking about their accomplishments (A Lesson Learned). I felt like I was making progress on this front (albeit not much), until the other day. You see, each year our women's initiative publishes an annual report. It's a way to look back over the year's work and take stock of everything that's been accomplished—and what we have still to do.

Well, this is that time of year; our WIN annual report is hot off the press. And it's good—very good. I'll go as far as to say that it's world class. World class in terms of its content and results, the delivery of such, and the remarkable transparency that it provides into our inner workings—statistics and all.

So, what's the problem? Well, my team, who worked very hard compiling the report, suggested that I write a blog about it. (Suggested isn't exactly the right word; it's more like implored.) You see, they are proud of their effort and of our WIN efforts overall.

My thought was, in a word, nah. It just doesn't feel right. I mean weren't we always told that it isn't lady-like to brag?

Well, as you can see I am writing about this topic which means that I am either easily swayed (not likely) or that the team made a very compelling point. Why not let others know that we continue to set the market when it comes to women in the workplace, fitting life in to work and work into life, and various and sundry related topics? Well? Well why not, I suppose.

Yes, we have much to be proud of—our progress and results are nothing short of extraordinary. And, we have a long way to go. There is still more to do. We will keep improving—building our pipeline of talented women, creating strength from diversity, delivering on our full potential of making our organization the best for everyone—women and men.

So, whatta ya think. A good call? Or do I need a little more time in lady-like finishing school?

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

Diverting Distraction

A few weeks ago, in between bites of rubber chicken at a corporate fund-raising event, I got into a discussion with the woman to my left about a topic that I’m still playing back in my mind. This individual, who has an 11-year old daughter, was arguing—vehemently, I might add—that there should be separate classrooms for boys and girls from middle school through high school.

Her reasoning? Nope. It wasn’t that boys and girls learn differently or that girls would be more willing to express themselves in a single-gender setting. It was that her daughter is getting distracted by the boys.

“Distracted” as in her grades have gone down since she ‘found’ boys. Just the mere topic of boys sends her heart a-flutter it seems. But also distracted in another respect. It seems the boys are well, distracting. You know, as in can’t sit still, more likely to cause disruptions in class, vie for more of the teacher’s attention, etc.

This woman’s proposal to separate the genders was code for “if I can resolve the distraction of boys, my daughter would be more focused—and better off for it.” I guess she was employing an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ philosophy.

I can see this, but also wonder if we’d be teaching our kids that the best way to deal with distraction is simply by eliminating it. Now, I ask: Is this a reasonable—and implementable—response in the real world? I totally get the desire to have our kids better focus. (The focus word is often brought up in my household. Spitfire can even recite a line from the movie, The Grinch, to remind herself:  “I asked for 3/4’s and not 5/8’s…stay focused!”)

But isn’t it more likely that one distraction would simply be swapped out for another? Isn’t it unlikely that parents can successfully deploy a seek-and-destroy strategy for all things distracting? Perhaps we should, hmmm . . .

Oops, sorry, I’m in the Red Carpet Club at LAX and just got distracted momentarily. (I could swear that Sean Penn just walked by.) I’m back now. Perhaps we should focus on teaching our kids how to better deal with distractions rather than trying to eliminate them. But hey, I’m only one opinion. What do you think? Inquiring minds want to know…

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

Lady Luck?

Likely like the rest of you, I live in a totally connected world. (Sometimes too connected, but that’s a different blog entry—see “The Rub Between Balance and Always On” for more on this topic.) With my two electronic appendages—a laptop and a blackberry—I can reach out and touch anyone anytime, and they, me. It is a good feeling to be so accessible. It’s also a great equalizer—I have the same virtual access to the people I work with as someone on their first day on the job. There’s something to be said about how technology enables that personal connection—that personal power of sorts.

But in the non-virtual world, things are a bit trickier. When you first start out in the corporate world, making connections in the workplace seems to come relatively easily. Young-and-eagers working together in the trenches tend to form some pretty strong bonds regardless of gender. But as you move up, it starts to change.

A study recently reported in Forbes found that as men and women move up, their views on what it takes to succeed diverge. Senior men are much more likely to think it’s about hard work while senior women say it’s about luck and connections. What do you think that’s about? How could it be that these senior ranks women see success so heavily influenced by the old boys network, while men see it so differently?

A series of studies over the years about the importance of mentors to career success reached similar findings: Many more men than women felt that they didn’t really have mentors. Since it is well established, though, that mentoring is a key to career success and since so many men are successful, it doesn’t stand to reason that men (on average, of course!) don’t have mentors. But perhaps what’s going on is that men respond in this way because mentoring is such an organic, natural part of their experience that they’re not even conscious of the relationships that they enjoy.

In my own experience—and through the observations and experiences of many others I’ve connected with in my travels—these relationships are not invisible for women. They don’t often happen naturally. And they are hard-won—strike that, hard-earned—when they do occur. Often just keeping our nose-to-the-grindstone doesn’t seem to do the trick. So we chalk it up to “luck and connections.”

Maybe men don’t see the old boys network because they’re part of it. And maybe women see it because they feel like they’re on the outside looking in—perhaps even waiting to be invited in (hmmm, sounds like a blog topic in the making).

What do you think? How lucky are you feeling these days?

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

Pony Party

Sometimes occurrences are not right or wrong, or black or white, but more like green and blue. To each her own for sure.  But that doesn’t mean that one can’t lament about the choices people make sometimes. In this case, the subject is a kid’s party.

My daughter was invited to this birthday party. A social butterfly, she just loves parties and was particularly looking forward to this one. The birthday girl was one of her “best” friends (although, depending on the day, she has more or fewer “best” friends). And, and, there was going to be a pony at the party. Actually a pony was just part of the deal—it was, in fact, a small petting zoo. So you can see why it would be one of the hottest party invitations in town.

So what’s there to lament about? Well, the timing of the party was 1 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon. A convenient time perhaps for work-inside-the-home moms, but for work-outside-of-the-home moms, taking a few hours out of the heart of a workday isn’t convenient nor even always doable. (Since the kids were young there wasn’t a drop-off and pick-up option.)

Was this break from the usual weekend kids’ party circuit simply based on animal availability or some other constraint? Or was it something else? Actually, aside from the issues for working-outside-the-home moms (and to be fair, dads) it’s probably not a bad idea to have mid-week parties. There’s less contention with other weekend activities; they require shorter lead times than a weekend party at, say, Chuck E. Cheese’s; and perhaps these gatherings are even a bit more relaxed since the parents don’t need to be running off as part of the weekend rush ritual.

When the guilt gods are looming, though, it feels a bit sinister. Sort of like a dare: On top of all you do, now work this is in, too. Before you freak out, I know it’s not a rational, logical or even reasonable thought. But just as my daughter who says “my bones made me do it” when she gets caught doing something she shouldn’t—I'll place blame squarely on the guilt gods—they make me think it.

These gods make me self-judge sometimes that work-outside-the-home moms are being judged for making different choices than work-inside-the-home moms.  That there’s not mutual respect and support for the choices we individually make and collectively observe.

I know better, I really do. But once in a while, I momentarily fall off the reservation.  Do you, too?

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP

March Madness

Note from blogger Cathy Benko: From time-to-time a guest blogger is invited to post an entry for our virtual community. Today, we are fortunate to hear from Donna Orender, President of the Women's NBA, on a topic which is obviously very near and dear to her heart. What about you? Can you relate to what Donna has to say?

Today is March 1, and it begins a month that basketball fans have dubbed "March Madness." Of course, for working moms, every month has a twinge of madness. But my world is basketball, the WNBA, the women's professional basketball league, the most successful women's sports league in the world…so, for me, March Madness is about the race for the collegiate national championship.

What's the significance? Well, it's because March Madness is one of those sporting phenomena that absolutely transcends sports fans. A Harris Poll reveals that 41% of people believe that the NCAA Tournament causes productivity at work to suffer. There was a USA TODAY article about this phenomenon in which a New York staffing specialist said the following:

"Everybody is in office pools. The games are on until I leave. You can't reach clients. You can't reach anybody. Many people just take personal days (off), and there's no question as to why. ...it takes over."

According to the same Harris Poll, about four times as many males as females filled out NCAA Tournament brackets last year, though the number of women getting involved is on the rise from previous years.

So why read on? Because the language of sports is a currency that helps build bonds and relationships. Women often relegate themselves to the sidelines or opt out of the frenzy due to lack of interest or, more notably, a lack of confidence in their knowledge of sports and their ability to speak the language.

I offer the advice to just jump in. In any client relationship you do your due diligence to understand your client's context. You make the effort to know the important things and many of those things transcend the business relationship: family, interests, hobbies, et al—you work hard to find a common place from which you can build a productive business relationship.

The Final Four offers the same relationship-building opportunity with your male colleagues. It's a communal experience. It's a way to break the ice if it needs to be broken or warm the soup if it needs to be warmed. The language of sports is a very effective business tool, and I encourage women to spend the time to understand it and embrace it just as you would any other business-building opportunity.

Of course, in this case, you just may get hooked. We are, after all, talking about the game of basketball and there is magic in its air.

And the magic surrounds the women's NCAA tournament as well. A fact worth knowing: The DUKE women's team is No. 1 in the nation and ranked much higher than their male counterparts. Can Duke keep its undefeated run going through the tournament? Will their ACC rivals, North Carolina and Maryland, have something to say? Will perennial powers like UConn and Tennessee be heard from before the nets are cut down? And which potential pro prospects will improve their status for the upcoming WNBA draft?

It's been said that it's a mad, mad, mad,mad world ... March Madness is one that we can all have a little fun with.

By Donna Orender, President of the WNBA

Two Sleeps

may have mentioned this before, but I generally don’t know the topic of each week’s posting until pretty much the minute I sit down to pen it—and this entry is no exception. (Hey, I’m not really procrastinating, you just never know when a noteworthy happening might happen.)

And so just as I sit to write, voila, an email comes across that, well, may be worthy of note. A meeting—an important one, I might add—was just scheduled a transcontinental flight away. Living in San Francisco, New York meetings that end in the early evening are what I refer to as “death zone” sessions.

You see, they require two sleeps. Not sure what ‘sleeps’ are? Well, sleeps are the unit of measure my kids use to refer to the nights that I’m out of town. Hotels use ‘nights’; my kids use ‘sleeps.’

A meeting in New York (from the west coast) means coming in the day before—the best-case scenario doesn’t get you into the office until after 6 p.m. (one sleep). And if it gets out after, say 5 p.m., it’s too late to catch the last flight back which results in, well, a second sleep.

Dialing in for this particular meeting is not an option, so the first inclination was to, well, just suck it up. It’s just one of those things you need to deal with when the center of your corporate universe is 3,000 miles away. But then, well, then I had this fleeting thought—dare I mention anything about the death zone that afternoon meetings translates into for left-coasters. What was the risk beyond irreparable harm? After all, trepidation and apprehension aren’t really “harm” per se.

Speak or forever hold your peace, I guess, and I was definitely inclined to do the latter. But after much angst, I spoke. Perhaps a bit softly, but I spoke. Upon explaining the death-zone syndrome, the mood on the other end of the phone was—was very open-minded, understanding and agreeable. 

The lesson, which admittedly, I seem to have to learn over and over again, is that, some of us at least, tend to think of things as ‘off limits’ (i.e. “I can’t say that”!) when, in fact, we are our own limiting factor. How about you? Are you among the “some of us”?

Cathy

By blogger Cathy Benko, Deloitte LLP